My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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