I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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