Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Randomize
