phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
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