If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Randomize
