i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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