Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
