There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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