I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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