Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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