U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
