Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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