You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
