I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize