I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
