Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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