so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
They have beer where we have blood.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
