I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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