I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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