I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
