12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
