She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Ladies don't puke and tell
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
