1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
Randomize
