She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
