Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
