Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
