I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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