You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dear everyone. As mark stated i did the 'piss n run' last night. This is all new to me and it scares me. Again, sorry. "if i could turn back time" -cher
He kissed a someone with a penis
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
