you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Randomize
