so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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