Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize