remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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