I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
