He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
