i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
