Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
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