So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
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