Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
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