Just fell off a train. Bad.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
We had to coat check the pizza.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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