just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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