I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
