Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
