just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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