He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize