I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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