When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
whose ass print is on the piano?
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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