I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
