My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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