To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
