he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
