i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
