Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
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