alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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