I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
