dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
