she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize