Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
