if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Dear god my vagina.
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