A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
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