Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
