his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
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