Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
PANTIES FOUND
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