Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
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