Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
