you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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