so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
