Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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