Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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