Don't make out with my wife yet
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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