i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
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