You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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