Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Randomize
