so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Randomize